DONALD SUTHERLAND* INTERVIEWS KIRSTY BUCHANAN** & JESSICA VOORSANGER*** FOR ARTY: TAINTED LOVE
(the full unexpurgated version)
We have been lucky to get the AMAZING Donald Sutherland* to interview our two most celebrated female artists, Kirsty Buchanan and Jessica Voorsanger! Donald Sutherland is a great supporter of the arts and has been following these two leading stars for years. He has finally been given the opportunity he (and we!) have been dying for – to get to the nitty gritty questions with these reclusive and glamorous contemporary artists:
DONALD SUTHERLAND*: What an honour it is for me to meet you both. I have been dreaming of this moment for years, never believing it might come true.
JESSICA VOORSANGER: You’ve taken the words right out of my mouth Donald but about YOU!
KIRSTY BUCHANAN: I dreamt about you last night Donald.
DS: Let’s start with you Jessica…
KB: I want to go first!
DS: Thanks Kirsty, but I just had to tell Jessica how much I loved her Star Trek installation in Margate last April and wanted to know more about it. When I visited the exhibition I got dressed up as Captain Kirk. You know I passed up that role and I regret it now. I do think I would have made a better sex symbol than William Shatner.
JV: Well Donald, I have always been a fan of science fiction and realised that all of the other projects that I had been making, exploring celebrity, didn’t fulfil my real ambition of actually feeling like I am in the TV shows.
DS: Like Mike TV from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?
JV: Exactly Donald, or should I call you Sexy Captain?
DS: You can call me Donald.
JV: That’s why I created a fake TV studio with a live video link where you could dress up in Star Trek costumes (original series of course) and act out scenes. I felt very sexy as Lieutenant Ohura.
DS: DO EITHER OF YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
KB: Definitely, who doesn't?
JV: Of course! I saw my husband dancing across a crowded room and knew that he was the one for me. And I was right.
DS: WHO WAS THE FIRST HEARTTHROB ON YOUR BEDROOM WALL?
KB: It was Leonardo DiCaprio, after seeing Romeo and Juliet, he was my first obsession.
JV: The first poster I put on my wall was Robin Williams as Mork from Ork. My first heartthrob though, was David Cassidy. I had lots of pictures of him but they weren’t on the wall.
DS: I had a few pictures of David Cassidy too.
KB: You smell nice Donald.
DS: You do too Kirsty.
DS: IN THE FILM LOVE POTION NO. 9, SANDRA BULLOCK DISCOVERS A POTION WHICH WHEN SHE SPEAKS MAKES MEN FALL IN LOVE WITH HER, SHE USES HER POWERS TO RENEW HER DRIVING LICENSE AND DATE THE PRINCE OF ENGLAND, IF YOU HAD THE POTION WHAT WOULD YOU MAKE MEN DO?
KB: Well I HATE lifting heavy objects, so for me I would use my powers to make men lift everything that I don’t want to carry myself.
JV: Take over the world! (ha ha ha… evil laugh!) No, maybe just the fall in love with me, that sounds nice (and effective for Sandra Bullock too.)
DS: IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY WARHOL ARTWORK WHAT WOULD IT BE? I WOULD HAVE A COMPLETE COLLECTION OF HIS FILMS. I FEEL LIKE THEY ARE TOO SHORT AND WANT THEM TO LAST FOR EVER.
KB: I think his films are the best too Donald, my favourite is Blowjob.
JV: Jackie O, or the actual diaries? I was told that I was mentioned in one of them. I would like to know if that’s true.
DS: Really? Cool. I was mentioned a few times in them, but let’s not get into that here.
DS: KIRSTY, I HAVE TO SAY THAT MY FAVOURITE WORK THAT YOU DID WAS YOUR CELEBRITY SEX TAPE DRAWING SERIES
KB: Yeah Donald that was really fun to do, I was making loads of drawings blindfolded where I really need to use every other sense to make the drawing and everything comes out disjointed. I then decided to draw celebrity sex tapes from memory, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, Paris Hilton, Colin Farrel and this amazing 70’s porno with Sylvester Stallone called the Italian Stallion. Would you be interested in doing a celebrity sex tape Donald?
DS: Let’s discuss that later Kirsty…
KB: Maybe we should all go for a drink later? Or how about Karaoke?
DS: GREAT IDEA. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVOURITE KARAOKE SONGS? MINE IS HEY MAMA BY THE BLACK EYED PEAS.
KB: The last one I did and loved doing was Madonna, Like a Virgin.
JV: Ziggy Stardust, in full costume!
DS: IF YOU COULD GO ON A DATE WITH ANYONE FROM HISTORY WHO WOULD IT BE AND WHY?
KB: It would probably have to be James Bond, you would have the best date ever, it would be so thrilling, he’d have so many great stories and would definitely know how show a gal a good time.
JV: Fred Astaire (c.1930s). I just love him. I would also like to be able to dance like Ginger Rogers please.
DS: I think that is stretching the rules a bit.
KB: There is no such thing as stretching the rules. You just asked us who we would date from any time period! I want to be able to fly.
DS: HMMM. MOVING ON… WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LYRIC FROM A LOVE SONG? MINE IS 'I LIKE BIG BUTTS'.
KB: I love Bargain Store by Dolly Parton and my fave lyric would be; 'Take these old used memories from the past, and these broken dreams and plans that didn't last'.
JV: 'I can feel your heart beat and you didn’t even say a word', from I Can Feel Your Heartbeat by the Partridge Family.
KB: Can I call you Donny?
DS: WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM FLAVOUR?
KB: I’m not a big ice cream fan, so it would have to be a sorbet, probably mango and raspberry sorbet.
JV: Vanilla Swiss Almond by Häagen-Dazs.
DS: WHAT'S YOUR CURE FOR A BROKEN HEART?
KB: Shameless flirting or period dramas!
JV: Vanilla Swiss Almond by Häagen-Dazs and the entire series of the Vampire Diaries.
DS: WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
KB: An Egyptologist, but also an adventurer, like Indiana Jones. Actually I would LOVE to go on a date with him too.
JV: An airline pilot.
DS: WHAT IS THE BEST ADVICE FOR LOVE YOU’VE EVER RECEIVED?
KB: Play hard to get.
JV: Be kind to each other.
DS: WHAT IS THE BEST CHAT UP LINE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD?
KB: 'Vodka?… What are you trying to forget?'
JV: 'Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes…'
DS: That’s the line I used on you! Are you being ironic? Who says Americans don’t understand irony
DS: IF YOU COULD TAKE ONE BOOK TO A DESERT ISLAND WHAT WOULD IT BE?
KB: Either Anna Karenina or an anthology of Oscar Wilde’s work. You want something substantial if you are going to be there indefinitely.
JV: Can I have the complete collection of Jane Austen’s books? They’ve been published together, that’s not really cheating…
DS: WHAT WAS THE LAST LIE YOU TOLD?
KB: I can’t tell you that, I don’t want to get caught out!
JV: So many to choose from…
DS: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
KB: I think it was when I was watching Desperate Housewives.
JV: During The Hunger Games. Donald, you know, you were quite a horrible character in that film. I really liked you as Mr Bennet in Pride and Prejudice.
DS: Yes, Jessica, I know, but please remember it is all make believe and that I am madly in love with you. It would break my heart to think that The Hunger Games film could come between us! Unless of course it was because of you Kirsty, he he he…
KB: Ha Ha Donald, you know I loved you in Pride and Prejudice too; I watched that film about twelve times.
DS: WHAT DO YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF? I FIND MY HAIR CAN BE A BIT UNRULY…
KB: I have ugly toes, so I can’t wear any open toe shoes.
JV: Actually, I love your hair! I really hate my addiction to sweeties. Sweeties….
KB: Yeah Donald, I think your hair is the best part of your personality.
DS: WHAT’S BEEN THE MOST EMBARRASING MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE?
KB: I sleep talk all the time, so every time I wake up and my boyfriend tells me I was talking in my sleep I get so embarrassed, apparently once I said, ‘please Harry Potter, please’
JV: Having to desperately pee while on a subway train with Morgan Freeman (I was 6 years old). Morgan Freeman was currently starring in a kid’s TV show called The Electric Company and it was my favourite show. He had a huge Afro and bell-bottomed trousers.
DS: I used to watch that. Rita Moreno was on that too. That’s how I learned to read!
DS: IF YOU WERE INVISIBLE FOR A DAY, WHAT WOULD BE THE FIRST THING YOU'D DO?
KB: I would probably spy on loads of people.
JV: Go behind the scenes of any film set I could get to – Ideally Dark Shadows with Johnny Depp but that’s already been made!
KB: Oh that’s such a great one Jessica; I want to do that too!
DS: WHERE DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING?
KB: In my bed, in London.
JV: In Ramsgate, in love.
DS: WHEN WERE YOU LAST NAKED IN FRONT OF ANOTHER PERSON?
KB: Today, when I was walking around my flat with no clothes on and the curtains open.
DS: EVER BEEN CHATTED UP BY ANOTHER CELEB?
KB: I went backstage at a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert and Flea said I had sexy tights!
DS: You do have sexy tights Kirsty?
JV: Wait Donald, let me tell you my story, you’ll like it!
KB: Shut up Jessica, he was talking to me!
DS: Now, now Ladies… Jessica you were going to tell us your story…
JV: Yes! I was chatted up by Warren Beatty! He was leaving an apartment building in New York when we sort of crossed paths. I was with my friend Amanda who was studying to be an actress. He asked us if we were models and when he found out I was studying to be an artist, he couldn’t get away from me fast enough. He only had eyes for Amanda…until he found out we were only 16 years old and then he couldn’t get away fast enough from the both of us!
DS: Thank you Ladies, that was really special. Actually it was a real treat. If you are ever in either Los Angeles or Panem look me up!
* Donald Sutherland did not conduct this interview. In fact, he has no idea that this interview has even taken place.
** Kirsty Buchanan was present at the interview. She is a very important artist.
*** Jessica Voorsanger was also present at the interview. She is also a very important artist.
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